Your eyes…

On Monday (February 24, 2014) I came up to visit you.  Day 13. I got there a little late because I had left work a little later than I would have liked to.  Your family, as always, was gathered in the waiting room as visitors trickled in and trickled out of your room.  I waited patiently.  I wanted to see you, but only if you were ready and able for more visitors.  Me seeing you is selfish, you need your rest.  I waited.  Scotty eventually returned to the waiting room after sitting with you and asked me if I’d seen you yet.  I replied “no, but that’s okay, I can wait”.  I really just needed some courage.  He told me to go ahead go back to your room. So I took a deep breath and I walked in.

You were drowsy since it was now about 7:30p and the nurses were going through their usual shift change routine, checking you over, and getting you comfy.  They went ahead and gave you a bit more pain medicine because your heart rate was getting a little high, and they wanted you to rest.

I put on my gown and moved quietly to the corner to stay out of the way.  Once the dust settled I was by your side.  I held your hand and told you I was there, that I was happy to see you, and if you needed to rest and sleep to do so and I’d be right there by your side anyway.

You opened your eyes, and you looked directly into mine.  Your expression was fear, you seemed scared. I squeezed your hand and told you this: “Your baby girl is doing great and you are too.  No matter what happens neither I or anyone else will leave your side.  You will overcome this and you, Scotty, and that little girl will have the life you always wanted.”

After those words, your expression changed….it went from fear to sadness.  Your eyes softened as you looked at me and tears formed in your eyes.  I wish I could give you an answer, I wish I could tell you why this happened and why you are in so much pain.  I wish I could take your place so you could have the life you’ve dreamed of having. I can’t.

I don’t have an answer…but I do have a solution.  That solution is growing stronger everyday…your little girl, she has fought this battle along with you…you need her and she needs you.  Neither one of you can give up because of the other.  I told you those words and you seemed to relax.  I put my hand on your belly, and while you were looking at me that little girl kicked so hard my hand moved.  I know you know I was there to feel it…after that moment you quietly closed your eyes and rested.

You, 24 Weeks.

You, 24 Weeks.

I know you’ll be okay.  I saw it in that moment that we shared.

I stayed a little while longer, just you and me, everyone else had gone. I treasured that time alone with you.  You were at peace and at the same time I was too.

I drove home that Monday evening at 9pm, and the only thing I could see was your eyes.

I cried the entire way, thanking anyone that would listen for that moment with you and for all the moments we’ll have in the future when you get better.

Every time I think of you, all the air leaves my body. I’m breathless and full of panic, then I think of those eyes and my heart beat stills and my breath returns.

My positive of the day (until you return to your command) – was about that moment we shared.  I can’t wait to tell your little girl all about it.

I love you.  Keep on fighting. 


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